Last week, I watched The Avengers, prompting, of course, deep movie-analysis questions like, “If Bible characters were cast as Avengers, who would play what part?” (What, this isn’t your go-to question after watching a movie? Strange.)
Here are a few of my conclusions…but I’d love to hear which ones you’d pick.
The Hulk: Samson
If you did not automatically assume this one was Samson, you need to re-read your ViolentComicBible (if such a thing does not exist, it should). Samson has some serious anger management issues. He tore a lion apart with his bare hands, let loose 300 flaming foxes in his enemies’ fields, and killed thirty men because he was mad they cheated at his riddle, Bilbo-style. This guy could totally break Harlem.
Bruce Banner: Paul
This mild-mannered alter ego had to be a separate person because, let’s face it, Samson is not that bright. Nor is he the type to help people. Or think of basically anyone but himself. So Paul it is. Why, you say? The guy was a genius. He was once a Pharisee, and they only accepted the best and the brightest. He also had a dramatic Bruce-Hulk-like shift…and I’m not talking about his conversion. According to the Christians in Corinth, he was wimpy when there in person, and only bold when hiding behind his letters. Also, I’m pretty sure the bright light that blinded him at his conversion was gamma radiation (just kidding).
Captain America: Moses
Who is the single most recognizable hero of his nation? This guy. No, Moses wasn’t frozen and displaced from his era by several decades…but he kind of was. When Moses fled Egypt after killing a guy, he hung out in the desert for about 40 years before all of his enemies died off. Add to that the fact that he was raised away from his people, and you have to think he felt a bit out-of-place coming back. (Can we picture Moses missing all of the Jewish references his people made on the way to Canaan? “Yeah, there’s a little too much Lot’s wife in the soup, if you know what I mean. Oh, sorry Moses. Like, you know, really salty.”)
Black Widow: Abigail
Yes, there are several action-hero women in the Bible. Jael was a strong contender for this one. But Abigail won because of her subtle psychological manipulation skills. She had enough guts and diplomacy to talk David out of killing her entire household, getting more lines in one speech than most biblical women combined. And, of course, after her no-good husband Nabal died, she was actually a widow. So that helps too.
Thor: Judas Maccabeus
Not technically from the traditional canon, but, hey, Thor the superhero didn’t follow the Norse canon of myths and such. So whatever. This guy basically rose up during the time between the New and Old Testament and crushed the evil Seleucid rule, making way for Jewish independence. Also, the name Maccabeus means—wait for it—hammer. (A strong case can also be made for Jacob, because he didn’t get along with his brother and was ridiculously strong.)
Maria Hill: Deborah
She’s not the general in her story, but she’s the woman you want on your side when anything is going down. Like Maria, I picture her as the loyal, business-like type who takes everything without flinching and almost never seems to be surprised. Also, she has the comebacks to cut the men in the group down to size.
Iron Man: Elijah
The minute Elijah shows up, he’s like, I just got here, but I am in charge and listen to me make my cool prophet declaration. And then he disappears. And then shows up and lights things on fire and is really sarcastic. And then disappears again. And so on. So, basically, he was the flashy showman of the Old Testament who everyone listened to and who is in charge the second he steps into a scene. Doesn’t play well with others at the beginning, in that he’s basically a solo act until Elisha shows up. No metal suit as far as I’m aware, though.
Agent Coulson: Obadiah
Nope, not the prophet. The other Obadiah, the one who is my favorite sidekick in the Bible. While Elijah’s off being all showy and such, Obadiah is the secret-ops guy who smuggles prophets away in caves and manages to feed them with no one noticing…during a famine. Which has got to be hard. He has to do the boring, seemingly pointless work for his superiors and rarely gets main billing. Also, he seems like the slightly-awkward pencil-pushing type, and I bet he’d have vintage Moses trading cards. If that was a thing.
Have any other suggestions for Biblical twins for these characters? (50 imaginary bonus points for each one, plus 100 imaginary bonus points if you can come up with someone for Nick Fury or Hawkeye.)