Scenes with the Pharisees

Today’s blog post weirdly came out as a script, and I decided not to stop it. It was inspired by a friend’s post on how Jesus is basically Admiral Ackbar and also my recent reading of Mark 12. Enjoy! (Bonus points if you read the Pharisees as speaking in British accents. For some reason, that’s what they did in my head.)

Pharisee

 

Cast

Jesus

Levi, Simon, and Micah—Pharisees

Addon and Hezekiah—Sadducees

Disciples and Various Crowd Members

(At rise, Pharisees and Sadducees are clumped together at right, in the midst of an intense conversation.)

Levi: All right, here’s one thing we can all agree on: this Jesus character needs to go. He’s nothing but trouble.

Addon: Absolutely. The man’s a raving lunatic!

Hezekiah: A firebrand heretic!

Simon: And about to be voted Mr. Galilee by the entire Jewish nation. (All glare at him.) Just pointing out that you’re taking a shot at the most popular figure in the country. That’s all.

Micah: He’s right, you know. A direct attack will never work. The people would hate us.

Levi: We’ll just have to trap him! Get him to say something that will make his so-called followers turn against him. (Suddenly grins.) And I have just the thing.

(All huddle in to whisper. Jesus enters left, followed by disciples and various crowd members.)

Levi: Here he comes! Places, everyone! (All of them split up and approach Jesus with extremely fake smiles.) Well, if it isn’t Jesus son of Joseph, the carpenter rabbi. Imagine running into you here!

Jesus (Not buying it): Yes…imagine that.

Levi: Teacher, we know you are honest.

Hezekiah: So honest!

Micah: And that you don’t care what anyone else thinks of you.

Hezekiah: Not a bit.

Addon: And that you aren’t swayed by appearances, but teach correct doctrine.

Hezekiah: Straight from the Torah, yes sir.

Levi: (Through gritted teeth) Okay, that’s enough, Hezekiah! (To Jesus) So, knowing all that about you, we have a question.

Jesus (Dryly): I can’t wait.

Simon: Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar—the bloodthirsty pagan ruler—or should we break the law and risk starting a riot by not paying taxes?

(Jesus thinks for a minute as the Pharisees and Sadducees watch gleefully.)

Jesus: Anyone have a denarius on them?

Addon: I do! (Hesitates.)

Jesus (Sighing): I’ll give it back.

Addon (Sheepish): Ah, right. Of course. (Hands it over.)

Jesus: Tell me, whose mark is stamped on this coin?

(Pharisees and Sadducees confer, then come back.)

Hezekiah: Caesar’s!

(Disciples clap and cheer sarcastically, Pharisees and Sadducees glare at them.)

Jesus: That’s right. (Motions little girl from the crowd forward.) Now, whose mark is stamped on this child?

(Pharisees and Sadducees confer.)

Simon: It’s got to be a trick question. And I know trick questions.

Micah: No, I think I know the answer. (Turns.) God’s. She was made in the image of God, just as Adam and Eve were at the beginning of time.

Jesus: Then give to Caesar what’s marked as his, and to God what is marked as His.

(Pharisees and Sadducees stare, then back away to the right for a conference.)

Simon: How did he do that? Completely dodged the question. The man ought to be a politician.

Addon: They’re calling him ‘King of the Jews’—he is a politician! And threatening to upset our good standing with Rome!

Micah: Remind me again: how is being a conquered people of a pagan government ‘good standing’?

Hezekiah (Ignoring him): I’ve got it! This one will trap him. I’m sure of it. (To a woman standing nearby.) You! Come here!

(She and Hezekiah and Addon go over to Jesus.)

Hezekiah (Pointing): This is a hypothetical woman. (Frowns.) Well, I mean, she’s a real woman. But the situation we’re going to discuss is entirely hypothetical. I mean, I suppose it could happen, but—

Addon: Hezekiah. Get to the point.

Hezekiah: Sorry. In any case, this woman married a man who died before they had a son. According to the law, she would have to marry the man’s brother. So she did, but he died too, also before they had a son. And so on, until all of the seven brothers were dead.

Woman: And you’re sure I’m not on trial as a murder suspect at this point?

Addon: Quiet, woman, you’re just an object lesson.

Hezekiah: Then, finally, the woman herself died. In the resurrection, once all seven brothers are raised from the dead…

Simon: Come on, we all know you guys don’t believe in the resurrection.

Addon: Shh! (To Jesus) Well teacher, tell us: at the resurrection, whose wife would she be?

Hezekiah: “One Bride for Seven Brothers.” Sounds like a musical.

Addon: Hezekiah.

Hezekiah: Sorry!

Jesus: That was the best case you could make against the resurrection? You’re actually completely wrong—you don’t know the Scriptures or the power of God.

(Sadducees sputter.)

Jesus: When the dead are raised, they aren’t married or given in marriage. As for the resurrection itself, haven’t you read the words God spoke to Moses from the bush, ‘I am the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob’? Why would God bother to mention them if they just died and were done? He’s the God of the living, not the dead. You’re completely wrong.

(Addon and Hezekiah retreat, still ad libbing outrage and annoyance.)

Micah (Clapping): Hear, hear, teacher! Well done! (Others stare.) What? At least he can talk some sense.

Addon: Oh, be quiet. You Pharisees are so literal about everything.

Hezekiah: “Have you not read?” he says. “No, Jesus, we completely missed the story of one of the founders of our faith and his conversation with a giant flaming bush. Was that really in the Torah? Wow! Thanks for sharing.”

(He and Addon stomp offstage, while Micah approaches Jesus.)

Simon: Good, Micah’s finally speaking up. He’ll come up with a good one.

Levi: I certainly hope so. This rabbi is slipperier than a Dead Sea eel.

Micah: Teacher, which commandment is most important?

Simon: Um…I don’t get it. Where’s the trap? There aren’t a lot of ways he could answer this wrong.

Jesus: The most important is the creed you recite every day. Have you stopped to listen to it—really listen—lately? “Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all you soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. And the second is like it—love your neighbor as you love yourself. There are no commandments greater than these.

Micah: Well said, teacher.

Simon: Wait, was that sarcastic? That had to be sarcastic.

Micah: You’re right—there is one God, and loving him and loving your neighbor is more important than all the offerings and sacrifices. (Pause.)

Jesus: You are not far from the kingdom of God.

(Micah starts to say something in reply, then nods respectfully, and walks over to the other Pharisees. Jesus, disciples, and crowd members exit.)

Simon: Well? How could you stand there and take that? Why didn’t you argue?

Micah: There was nothing to say.

Levi (Still angry): “Not far.” What on did he mean by that?

Micah: Haven’t—haven’t you ever felt that way, Levi? Like you were nearly there…almost good enough…so close….

Levi: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Micah. If anyone deserves the kingdom of God, surely it’s us. I tithe my cinnamon and paprika, for goodness’ sake.

Micah: Yes. Hmm. For goodness’ sake.

Simon: No one, I mean no one could be holier than we are.

Micah (Watching where Jesus walked off): He could.

Levi: (Narrowing his eyes) Who? Who are you talking about, Micah?

Micah (A bit guiltily): Hmm? Oh. God, of course.

Levi: Oh. Him. Well, you don’t suppose He holds us to that standard, now do you? We’re doing our best. And in our case, our best is quite good enough. (He and Simon exit.)

Micah: Yes…almost.

19 comments

      1. It is. 😛 It’s hard to envision them with British accents, though, for some reason… Maybe because Anakin has been rattling off in my head all day, and Obi-Wan keeps patiently telling him off… and Obi-Wan is generally right… and HE has a British accent…
        Addon sounds like Tarkin though. X-P
        When is Obi-Wan going to tell Anakin to just shut up? Or do I have to call in Sherlock?! Gah….

          1. YES!!!! *grins maniacally*
            Obi-Wan is best friends with Merlin and Will as well as Anakin, Anakin wanders around making mischief with Sherlock (though most of the time they can’t stand the sight of each other), Gaius, Halt and Qui-Gon try to keep the boys in order, and Ben and Ned hang out with the Elves a lot, because they’re immortal. Everyone agrees that Martin the Warrior is Obi-Wan’s twin, and Mariel and Padme are friends, but Mariel and Dandin go questing with Ahsoka most of the time. ^_^

  1. I wonder where I would have been standing during this ‘dialog’? In the crowd? Siding with the Pharisees…the Sadducees? Or perhaps, (hopefully), with the learning disciples? I love the humor in it!

  2. I enjoyed the tongue-in-cheek tone of the sketch. (It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who thinks tithing spices is weird.) As for accents, there is none more sinister than a polished British accent. There’s a reason the Imperial officers in Star Wars are mostly British.

    Speaking of galaxies far, far away, I’m honored by your mention of my thoughts on Admiral Ackbar and things being traps.

    1. It’s *so* weird. I think of this whenever I make muffins for a church potluck which completely counts as tithing spices.

      And I love that post. Because Star Wars and the New Testament belong together.

  3. I was hoping you were going to mention my Facebook post about Jesus and Akbar, but a whole blog post about it wins. You’re so good at writing plays! You should write a bunch like this and have them filmed for churches or something. 🙂

    1. Bahaha–but it was probably your FB post that reminded me of the blog post. So thanks, Alex!

      And I’m glad you enjoyed the skit! I did actually write some that my church used when I was in high school. It was way too much fun (especially when I knew my sister would be in one and could make her do ridiculous things).

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