Christmas Carol Parodies

It’s been a while since I’ve written some Christmas carol parodies. Since my freshman year of college, actually. So I’m about due. These have basically no theological significance, so I’m not making it my normal Monday post. But I hope you enjoy them!

Carols Black Friday Carol
To the tune of “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear”

I came upon a midnight sale,
The night after Thanksgiving Day.
I tried to say my chatt’ring teeth,
Went “jingle all the way.”
The people waiting in line were tough,
And carefully guarded their place.
All armed with plans and strategies,
And cans of hidden mace.

Then through the doors the crowds all ran,
With grace of a violent stampede.
To be the first to get the deals,
On all the stuff they…“need.”
A harried clerk-elf beat back the line,
While kids ate the fake stuffing snow.
Two moms fought for the last Elsa doll,
To strains of “Let It Go.”

I jumped a toaster avalanche,
And dodged a melee by the shoes,
And found the Tupperware all had gone,
Before I got to choose.
Why do we bother with this each year?
This Hunger-Games-esque shopping spree?
I’ll watch a horror film instead.
To stress myself for free!

Do You Hear What I Read in the Actual Gospel Account?
To the tune of “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

Said the night wind to the little lamb,
“Do you see what I see?
I have no one else to talk to, little lamb.
So do you see what I see?
Angels who say “Peace, Fear Not” and stuff.
They all look so manly and tough.
With their swords (not halos and fluff).

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,
“Baaaaa.”

Said the shepherd boy to the carpenter,
“Do you hear what I hear?
Cutting through the night, carpenter, Do you hear what I hear?
A scream, a scream, from that scrawny little guy,
That kid really knows how to cry.
He will make my poor, deaf sheep die.”

Said the carpenter to the shepherd boy,
“Do you know what I know?
I’m a little tense, sorry, shepherd boy.
Do you know what I know?
My dear betrothed had a child in that stall.
Show respect or I’ll slam you against the wall.
And I won’t feel guilty at all.”

Said the dear betrothed to the stargazers,
“Are you the three wise men?”
They said, “Sort of, Mary, but as you see,
We’re more than just three wise men.
Did you assume that Magi come in threes?
With a trio of ethnicities?”
She said, “Ummmm….gift receipt please?”

Said the stargazers to the mighty king,
“Do you know what I know?
While you’re serving Rome, mighty king,
Do you know what I know?
A star, a star, we greeted with a shout,
The birth of a king with some clout.
Better check your prophecies out.

Said the king to the people everywhere,
“Listen to what I say!
I’m going to kill your sons, people everywhere.
Listen to what I say! The Child, the Child, send the wise men as my spies.
Let us silence all of their cries.
Let us make sure everyone dies.”

Said the Lord to the mentally off king.
“Do you know what I know?
Wait, you didn’t read Hosea, crazy king.
So you don’t know what I know.
My child, my child fled to Egypt from your spree,
He will die to set people free.
So nice try, but you can’t beat me.”

Some Guests in the Manger
To the tune of “Away in a Manger”

Some guests in the manger who don’t quite belong,
Unless Lego figures were there all along.
The T-rex time-travelled from Jurassic Park.
To be with the oxen and one plastic shark.

You can’t help but wonder as you watch the thing,
What gifts Power Rangers might bring to king.
As Barbie the midwife kneels near the new mom,
A Tickle-Me-Elmo sings lullaby songs.

The shepherds are joined by the Elf on the Shelf,
(I guess sent from Herod just based on his stealth.)
If Joseph is worried, the green army guys,
Will save baby Jesus from all of the spies.

I like these additions (except Jar-Jar Binks
Who’ll soon be evicted by someone I…thinks).
I’d rather have Batman to guard Baby J.
Than fluffy girl angels with harps anyway.

And, in case you want a few more, bonus round! Here are the ones I wrote five years ago.

Christmas Specials
To the tune of “Jingle Bells.”

Flipping channels on,
My new flat-screen T.V.
Re-runs make me yawn,
Nothing new to see.
Rudolph and his show,
You’ve watched since you were five,
And, come on, don’t we always know
That Frosty will survive?

Oh, Christmas Town, Charlie Brown,
Clarence gets his wings,
Home Alone takes robbers down,
And Irving Berlin sings,
Grinch relents, Scrooge repents,
Bad guys always lose.
While each viewer cries laments,
Like, “I’d rather watch the news.”

Optimist vs. Pessimist
To the tune of “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”

One: It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
With the carols all playing,
And friends holidaying,
To fill us with cheer.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Two: It’s the most horrible time of the year.
With those dumb children’s toy fads,
And stupid T.V. ads,
For Kleenex and beer.
It’s the most horrible time of the year.

Two: There’ll be transmission failings,
Mass form letter mailings,
And that lovely pre-Christmas rush.
One: There’ll be relatives calling
And snow will be falling…
Two: Which soon will all melt into slush.

One: It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
You bake cookies and sweet buns,
And drive to see loved ones,
From far and from near.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Two: It’s the most horrible time of the year.
Arrive eight hours later,
‘Cause an out-of-stater,
Made you hit a deer!
It’s the most horrible time of the year.

One: There’ll be carolers knocking,
While Santa fills stockings…
Two: A lie that we tell to deceive.
One: There’ll be sermons for preaching …
Two: And gifts that are teaching…
One: More blessed to give than receive.

Two: It’s the most horrible time of the year.
One: All the sleighs jingle-belling…
Two: And everyone selling…
Both: As Christmas draws near.
Two: It’s the most horrible time…
One: It’s the most wonderful time…
Both: It’s the most…holiday time of the year!

Over-commitment Carol
To the tune of “Sleigh Ride”

Just hear those cell phones ringin’,
Requests they’re bringin’ to you.
Come on, just ‘tis the season,
No other reason will do.
A busy time of year,
And the volunteer is you.
Come on, just ‘tis the season,
No other reason will do.

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, let’s go,
Tape on that last bow.
Then practice for the church’s Christmas show.
Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, I’m late,
Too much on my plate.
Lists written in red,
In my head,
Over every single date.

Salvation Army’s ringing,
And choirs singin’ along.
No time to stop and listen,
Hear what you’re missin’ so long.
Your family just tried calling,
But you’ve been malling since two.
Come on, just ‘tis the season,
No other reason will do.

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, come on,
My free time is gone.
Instead I’ll go decorate my lawn.
Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, goodbye.
Though I don’t know why,
I’m serving the Lord,
Never bored,
And I’m constantly on the fly.

Come on, just ‘tis the season,
For people pleasin’, it’s true.

Credit Card Woes
To the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”

I just maxed out my credit card; I don’t know what I bought.
I only know my dad passed out, my mom just said, “a lot.”
And that it took eight shopping carts to hold all that I got.
O I just helped our sad economy,
Why can’t they see?
And the presents will look great beneath our tree.

I just maxed out my credit card; how did I go so far?
I only bought some presents, like an iPod and a car.
A new T.V., a swimming pool, a baked potato bar,
And a diamond that I ordered in the mail.
It was on sale.
Plus tuition for my cousin who’s at Yale.

I just maxed out my credit card; I think the interest’s high,
That may be why the company is always stopping by,
And sending me those notices that say they hope I die.
It might take twenty years for me to pay.
What can I say?
And the New Year’s Sale begins on Saturday.

2 comments

  1. THESE ARE AMAZING!
    Can I pleeeaaaassseee receive the author’s permission to perform her parodies Some Guests in the Manger and Christmas Special at my family’s Christmas party Christmas performance?
    Credit for writing will of course go to you, but these are too good not to share 🙂

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