Theologian Valentines

A few years ago, I saw some hilarious Valentines based on dictators. And I thought, I should totally do that with famous theologians! (Because, you know, that’s how my brain works.) So here you go!

Also, if you don’t present the Calvin valentine with a bouquet of tulips, you are missing out on a prime pun opportunity. Just sayin’.


Disclaimer: I have the greatest respect for all of these folks from church history and their contribution to the faith. I also think they might have found these amusing.


Any alternate caption ideas or ideas for theologians who aren’t featured?


  1. How about Søren Kierkegaard: I choose to love you. Of course, if you do not make some sort of choice, you cannot know whether you really exist … or whether I exist for that matter. And if you do not exist, I have no basis on which to choose to love you; therefore I cannot. Which makes me wonder whether I exist.

  2. Or Clark Pinnock: I love you, and I am absolutely certain that you love me. Beyond any doubt. Of course, you have free will and may surprise me by not loving me in return; in which case I will simply change my plan, love somebody else, and claim that I wanted it this way all along.

  3. Karl Barth would write 14 volumes of valentine, and everyone would hail it as the most influential valentine of the century even though nobody ever reads the whole thing or completely understands it.

    (The condensed version, though, is that Jesus is God’s valentine to us.)

    1. Oh, how I love the Barth comment. Please put that with the others. John Wesley is priceless, too. I need to think of one for Spong and Matthew Fox.

  4. surely the calvin one should be him holding a tulip, plucking the individual petals and saying ‘he elected me, he elected me not’…

      1. I knew that all this “love is a verb” stuff was twaddle. I don’t suppose a very good valentine could be made of “Man looks at the outside but God looks at the heart” though…

  5. Douglas Ottati, contemporary theologian: Proposition #248, in the vast cosmic ecology my love for you remains a mystery.

  6. John Owen:Unto us in this whole Valentines discourse
    we must diligently attend; for we are exercised in such a subject as wherein we have no rule, nor guide, nor any thing to give us assistance but pure revelation. And what I have to offer
    concerning these things consists upon the matter solely in the explication of those places of Scripture and my heart wherein they are revealed. We must, therefore, consider, — 1. I love you and,
    2. will you be my valentine

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