Because yesterday I wrote a long, serious post, today I present you with my dream match-ups for playing some of my favorite board games with people from the Bible. (You mean you don’t think about things like this? What a boring life you must lead.)
And before you ask, I’m doing my best to pick people who would actually be good at the game in question. There is no point in playing a board game unless it’s going to be a challenge. Anyone who thinks otherwise…go play a rousing round of Candy Land.
Monopoly: First, let’s admit that after the first two hours, there’s really no way to make this game fun. Because of this, I choose to play against Job, who would shame me with his patience. (Also—and I fully acknowledge that this is terrible—it would be interesting to see if halfway through the game he lost all of his possessions through a freakish series of events that look like incredibly bad luck.)
Balderdash or Malarky: The names of these games are key: you basically invent definitions to words or answers to strange questions and try to make them sound like the truth. Our friendly Egyptian midwives, Shiphrah and Puah, who seem pretty talented at pulling complete lies that seem reasonably plausible out of thin air, seem to be good choices on this one. Possibly also Sarah, with her experience pretending to be Abraham’s sister as well as her what-me?-I’m-not-laughing line. (Anyone who has the guts to lie to angels is going to do well with these games.)
Risk: My generals of choice would be Deborah and Joshua. Tactically-minded, good at making treaties but not breaking them (at least not often), and probably pretty competitive. If we want things to get really crazy, we’ll invite Saul and David’s generals, Joab and Abner, to the party. (Sidenote: am I the only one who was always really confused as to whose side they were on?)
Scrabble: Or insert the word game of your choice. This one, I’m making it a family thing. David, Abigail, and Solomon. It might be slightly awkward for Solomon, with the whole Dad’s-other-wife thing, but all three were great with words, though in different ways. Bonus points if David manages to make all of his words an acrostic poem.
Settlers of Catan: I’m playing Nehemiah for this one. He’s got the organizational mind and leadership skills for it. I mean, come on, the guy supervised the construction of an entire city wall in less time than it takes most modern road constructions to be finished. I could see him trying to take both the Largest Army and Longest Road points, though, what with his be-ready-to-fight-while-you-build strategy.
Bang!: This card game needs at least four players. I’m assuming that I’m the sheriff, and my opponents were chosen for general Wild-West-style personalities and experience living out in the wilderness. So, Moses is the outlaw, Elisha is the deputy, and John the Baptist is the renegade. With this combination, I really could not tell you who would win. (But John the Baptist would get put in prison, Moses would probably shoot first, and Elisha would never run out of cards.)
Ticket to Ride: Once the apostle Paul got over the strange new transportation technology featured on the board, he would be a pro at this game, because he had to manage so many complicated travel routes on his missionary journeys. Also, he became really good at dealing with setbacks and changing plans, an essential for those times when someone takes the only line you need to complete your route for no other reason than to annoy you. Not that that’s ever happened to me.
Mafia: Jesus and the disciples. I have probably said this before, but it would seriously be hilarious. And yes, Jesus would have to limit his omniscience for this one. Also, I’m just letting you know: if I played a game of Mafia with the disciples and was a member of the mafia, Peter would die first. Every. Single. Time. Because he would probably be the most annoying player. Followed closely by Judas and Thomas, because they would probably be the best players.
Pandemic: I was really tempted to say Luke just because he was a doctor. But then I realized that with his attention to detail, he actually would be a good player. This game is cooperative, meaning you all work together against the board, so I’ll add in Ruth and Boaz, because they’re the cutest couple ever and don’t seem the type to just run over everyone with their plan.
Space Alert: For those of you who have not played this one, it is a timed, incredibly stressful panic attack disguised as a game and I pretend to hate it (I’m really just awful at it because I don’t have the capability to multitask). It’s also a cooperative game. With that in mind, I’m picking people who seem to be good under pressure and who can just tell me what to do. My fellow players are Esther, Daniel, and any of the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego trio who happen to be around. Go Team Exile!
The Resistance: Kind of like Mafia, but with more complicated logic and more pressure to look and sound completely innocent. The more people you have, the more fun it is. So, let’s get all the liars of the Bible on board for this one: Adam and Eve, Rahab, Laban, Michal, and Ananias and Sapphira. Just for fun.
Anyone else? What about Clue? Dutch Blitz? Battleship? [Insert Board Game of Your Choice Here]?